Anxiety. It resides, in me.
it's social sometimes. It's really awkward when it's social, I hate it. It happens particularly when I'm horrified about a word that came out of my mouth, that I'm sure I mispronounced. And the anx tells me that everyone knows. Or I say something, and it just comes out weird. And everyone looks. The Antidote: Yes, No, Smile, Nod.
but that's just the mental anx. it sucks, but it's not like the physical.
cause sometimes the anx is extreme pressure, in my chest. Pressure caused because my blood is pumping faster than my heart can go, and my body feels like it's going to explode from the heat, of trying to keep up. And then my arms go numb.
sometimes it's in my throat. like it is right now. Just a slight yet mighty pulsing, in my throat. I find myself trying to swallow it down. Or blow it out, in a deep, from the gut, blow. Sometimes those blows give a few seconds of relief. But as soon as it's all out.. the pulsing is still there, I can still feel it.
occasionally it will hit my stomach, and waves of wanting to vomit bellow through me. I never do though. I never do actually get sick. But I think I will.
the absolute worst of it, when it hits really hard, is when I have choices and decisions at hand, and my mind won't stop racing, and I get overwhelmed, and the physical elements start kicking into gear and then ~ all of me goes numb. Like zombie numb. And I just have to sleep. To shut it down. And escape it.
it's not too often that that happens. But it does. From time to time. It happened yesterday, this past Sunday.. and you want to know what drives me the most batty about it?? It happens over good things, and bad things. It doesn't discriminate, dammit! It's the absolute WORST when ~ like right now ~ I'm happy, life is super good, exciting things are happening! and this damn anxiety just attacks me. I just hate how it loves me.
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| me. right now, as I type. with my pulsing throat. :) |
and, yes, I have tried a pill. A few years ago I did, for about a year. And it helped. But it also numbed, and I didn't like that. I went off it, and am fine 90% of the time. I was told that if it starts to affect my ability to function on a daily basis. If for even one day, I don't get up, and go to work because of it. Then, I need to do something. Take something. But right now, it doesn't affect me to that extent. It's the rare occasion that it actually takes me down. But it does, sometimes. Just for a few hours at a time usually, but it does.
Rhett and I have been together for 3 years now.. and though he doesn't get it, cause it doesn't happen to him; he understands that it happens to me. He knows when it is coming. And you want to know what he does? He tells me to nap, and he cleans the house, like he did yesterday. Cause the weirdest thing? a clean house immediately eases it. Or, he'll just lay with me, and wait it out. Or, if I'm drowning, and I've stopped trying to gasp for air, he'll drag my ass out of the house and will find me some air.
I owe him a big thanks, for taking care of me, and helping me get through when the anxiety fills me. I'm lucky. I love the way he loves me. Thanks babe.
13 comments:
I've had some anxiety issues too, but I've never tried medicine. I don't think mine are that bad. More like awkwardness? haha Hang in there girl! We all go through these things. Have faith in yourself and feel confident! XOXO
I love that you shared your anxiety with us. Though it doesn't happen to me like it does to you, I do get stressed out a lot, often, and rather easily. And when the house is not clean, it makes it worse. So last night, my husband cleaned up for me. Men, they can be so great, can't they!? :)
xo, Yi-chia
Anxiety runs in my family, meaning of course I got it. I do take something daily for it and supplement with Xanax if I feel a panic attack coming on, which is very rarely. It's a confusing and frustrating disorder. We are so lucky to have men then Rhett and Andy in our lives to help is through.
My husband has suffered with anxiety and he has told me terrible stories. I'm sorry you deal with this.
On the bright side, at least you look stunning even when anxious.
It also is in my family...my mom gets panic attacks that sound similar to yours...I used to struggle with it more so than I do now....prayer helps me get through it.
i'm sorry that you have to deal with anxiety. i've heard from so many people and friends how awful it is to experience.
thinking and praying for you friend.
I commend you for posting this. I'm sorry you go through this but how awesome is your guy? OMG I got tears reading about how he tries to help you. So sweet!
Shia
World According to Shia
All of these things - YES. And I discovered that reading about it is a trigger, so whoops me.
The part about nothing being wrong in your life but still feeling this way? This has been happening to me since Christmas and it is just absolutely killing me.
I'm glad Rhett understands and helps you. That feeling helps, a lot.
Stay strong, sunshine!
I used to get these in my 20s. I would go in a dark room and turn the lights of and breathe threw my nose and out on my mouth with my lips barely open. Doctor said control the breathing and clear the mind. My legs would go numb and like jelly and then I couldn't breath. Then they just went away. I cleared my life of what my subconscious was telling me and vanished, poof, gone. I still sometimes get the lump in throat but I just set down and breath.
You are beautiful and this too shall pass. I love you!
I got some pretty bad anxiety attacks in college. I never really told anyone when it was happening, I was sure everyone knew what was happening. I would just try to breath through it. I would get them in both good things and bad things as well. I am so happy for you that Rhett understands.
I definitely understand where you are coming from. I have been off and on medication over the years as my anxiety has had it's peaks and valleys. When I was pregnant it was the worst. Some days it catches me completely off guard and then I can go months and feel fine. Hang in there!
I'm so glad he's there, I'm here too!! Xoxo
Girl, I can totally relate. I ahve battle anxiety and depression. There was a time in my life where there were moments I thought I was going to EXPLODE! I got on some medicine too and it did the same thing to me. I just felt numb. I still battle it every now and again, but thankfully it passes after a few days. I swear, we all need a blogger group session on this stuff. It's good to know that we are not all alone in this. Love you and your honesty!
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